My parents named me Laurel, after the mountain laurel flower, but I've always gone by Laurie. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to be what other people would find acceptable, and it hasn't been until recent years that I've thought more about how GOD would like me to be. He wants my heart to be seeking after HIM and not the approval of man. So, this is where I will be working out my thoughts, removing the masks (even my nickname!), being real, and making a FREAK of myself! ha ha Any other Jesus Freaks or just freaks in general or even non-freaky people are welcome to read, discuss, encourage, or be encouraged. Welcome to my brain . . . and my heart. :)
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
The MIRACLE in Infertility . . . Yes! You read that correctly! :)
Every Mother's Day. In church. A nightmare. "All the moms, please stand up!"
And I would stay in my seat and try to swallow the sobs that wanted to escape.
It wasn't the standing up and being recognized in church I wanted. It was the reason behind it that mattered to me.
I wanted to be a mom!
When we first got married, I wasn't even sure I wanted children. I was on birth control pills, totally oblivious to their risks and not foreseeing the damage they would do to me personally.* My mind was so me-centered at that time, having children was kind of off my radar.
But the time came when Kevin and I both wanted to be parents. And we had to wait. And wait. And wait.
"You need to do [this, that, and the other thing--meds, procedures, fertility treatments, etc.] to increase your chances," well-meaning people would say. There were those who didn't seem to understand that we knew our options, but did not feel peace from the Lord about most of them. Not that they were wrong things to try in and of themselves, but they weren't what God was telling us to do. (If you love someone going through this, please don't tell them what they need to do, even if it's out of intense love and caring for the person. "Have you heard about . . ." comes across so much better!)
HE was telling us to wait on Him.
My friends were having babies left and right, and I was SO genuinely happy for each new life, each precious baby I got to hold . . . and give back. I was ok with that. I never begrudged another mom her child, in thought or action. As much as I wanted one of my own, I couldn't possibly be envious of such a gift bestowed on my friends.
But the ache of empty arms was still there.
In the meantime, I had learned I had a condition called PCOS, which makes it difficult or impossible to conceive, extremely easy to gain weight and difficult to lose it.
Then, God put adoption on our hearts.
He caused the desire to adopt a child to grow until it enveloped our hearts, and we knew it was time to start the process.
Again, more waiting. I may write separately about our adoption story sometime, but suffice it to say we waited, in all, almost fifteen years to become parents (well, from the time we were married).
I've said it a million times, and I'll say it a million more . . . our precious son was worth the wait! If our dream had come true any sooner, it wouldn't have been him! And that would never do!!
The miracle in my barrenness was even bigger than having my dream fulfilled. The miracle was what took place in my heart while I was still waiting. The miracle was the joy I was able to choose and the contentment I experienced even as my longing grew. I still felt sorrow. Many times. But joy and contentment made the sorrow bearable. I trusted my Lord. I knew if He never gave us a child to raise for Him, I would be okay. My life would still be meaningful in whatever ways He wanted it to be.
Dear reader, whoever you are, if your arms ache to hold a sweet child of your own, take heart!
The Bible tells us that children are a reward and blessing from the Lord. But it does NOT say they are the only ways God blesses or rewards people, nor does it say that something is wrong with you if He doesn't choose to bless you in that way. Don't let anyone, not even yourself, convince you of that!
I can't guarantee that God will give you a child to raise for Him, but I can tell you these two things:
If He does, the wait will be worth it. You will understand just what I mean when the time comes. You just will!
If He does not, you will have two choices: bitterness or joy. Choose joy!
If He does not, He has a good reason. He will take care of you and fulfill you in other ways.
I have an understanding of how you feel. E-mail me if you wish to talk about it or if you'd like me to pray for you (pink email button is over on the right side of this page).
*This is not a post for or against birth control. Just my experience.