My parents named me Laurel, after the mountain laurel flower, but I've always gone by Laurie. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to be what other people would find acceptable, and it hasn't been until recent years that I've thought more about how GOD would like me to be. He wants my heart to be seeking after HIM and not the approval of man. So, this is where I will be working out my thoughts, removing the masks (even my nickname!), being real, and making a FREAK of myself! ha ha Any other Jesus Freaks or just freaks in general or even non-freaky people are welcome to read, discuss, encourage, or be encouraged. Welcome to my brain . . . and my heart. :)

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Undeserving of the Dream?

So, the plan is that I'm publishing a series of eBooks on Kindle this summer.

Ever since "going public" with this tidbit, I've been struggling with feeling unworthy of having this dream become a reality.


I guess the main reason is that it's not that huge of a dream for me.  Let me explain.  I've been thinking about people who have a dream, and they're so passionate about it and do everything they possibly can to make that dream come true.  There's nothing they won't do, no avenue they won't exhaust to see their desire become a reality.  Some are consumed by it day in and day out, night after sleepless night.

It's never been that way for me.  From the second the idea of publication took root in my heart, it's been an exciting idea, but my attitude has been, "I don't want it if You don't want it for me, Lord.  Do with this manuscript whatever You will."

When I think sensibly,  I know there's nothing wrong with that attitude.  But then the sappy side of me engages and I think of so many who, despite all their passion, never see their dream realized.  Or struggle so much harder than I did to reach the desired destination.

And that makes me feel undeserving.

But what I've been reminded of  the past several days is that, with God, nothing is about what we deserve.  What I deserve.

If I had my just desserts, I would be either dead or living a very miserable life right now.  I would be separated from God forever.  I would have nothing of any sort of value.  I would BE nothing of value.

God doesn't deal with who deserves what.  It's not about that for Him, because Jesus more than makes up for what we lack in the deserving department.  He uses people who are willing to be used by Him for his purposes, and He decides what those purposes are.  What an honor to be a vessel for Him, despite my lifetime of screw-ups and unsavory things I have said and done. That He chooses to use me in any situation is an honor.

There's no one else I could say that about.  Who wants to be used?  But God is so perfect and loving, I can trust Him to use me in the purest and most loving ways.

What I need to stop doing is comparing myself with other people, my story with others' stories.  This isn't about comparing or measuring up.  It's about what God wants to do through me.  I don't have to have a dramatic story for it to matter or for it to accomplish God's purpose.  I believe that now.

Please remind me that I believe it should I falter in my thinking again! :)

No comments: